The Art of Making Résumé

Here are a few tips to help you ‘invent’ your resume……

  • Have you ever wondered why résumé is also called a CV? Cuz that’s exactly what you’ve to do….CONTROL C+V. Copy and paste. Arrange five-ten old CVs from your seniors and display your meticulous ‘CV’ skills which you’ve honed over the last four years copying assignments. Just make sure that you don’t end up with both shy and extrovert in your personality traits. Well, even if you do, no worries! You can always say, “I have a multifaceted personality. I’m very flexible and can easily adapt to any situation.”
  • A lot of my seniors have advised me to write nothing but the truth in the fields for hobbies and interests. But how can one write, ‘I love giving stupid facebook quizzes, playing teen patti on orkut, chatting long hours and watching porn.’? Big problem!!  Here is the trick. Just garnish the facts a little. So, instead, you write,

Hobbies/Interests:I am an inquisitive soul (why else would I take quizzes like When will you die? Which love song are you? Enemy of the day etc. etc.) who enjoys adventurous and risky sports (Mafia Wars, AoE, CS), and I use my spare time to pick up new skills (Kamasutra postures).

  • Position of Responsibility….Hmm…Thats a tough one! When you couldn’t even take the responsibility of cleaning your room, how can one expect you to…… Let me think! Umm….Ok. Give a positive spin to everything you’ve done. For example, it is highly probable that you spent hours standing in a queue (or buttering up your seniors)  to arrange Rendezvous passes for some girl from your school (the ever hopeful IITians….Hats off!), only to see her walk off to RDX with her boyfriend (who suddenly appears out of thin air….these girls!). Don’t be disheartened. Put it as, ‘I was the Hospitality Co-ordinator for Rendezvous’. And oh you carried the props for English Play from the hostel to the seminar hall, well done Logistics Co-ordinator.
  • Next come Acronyms. They make your CV look really fancy. So, try inserting some. Like in the field for weaknesses, one can say,The three P’s (Pizza, Porn and Party)”. Ofcourse, you will tell the interviewer that the three P’s are Patience (people take undue advantage of your nature), Passion (sometimes you forget to sleep while working on a project (obviously you have no choice if you start on the last day, anyway)) and Pernicketiness (God lies in the minor details….so I have watched every porn over a dozen times).
  • Strengths: Excellent Google skills, complete knowledge of Hollywood and multi-tasking (I can eat my food while watching an episode of Friends, chatting with my girlfriend on phone and finding out how many crushes I have on FB).
  • Projects: Used my excellent communication skills (bakaiti) to convince my prof that I have actually done some work (good for consultancy companies…..selling non existent items), led my class into a mass bunk (leadership skills…they come in handy), wrote a program to hack IITD proxy (you are going to Google, my boy!), analysed the boy-girl ratio in IITD and its demoralizing consequences on the average CGPA (quant and Fin companies are gonna grab you like a hot cake).
  • Figures. Now that’s really important. One should always put in some figures to substantiate his/her point. So, you can write in the field for scholastic achievements, ‘I am so interested in my studies that I have done several 7 courses several twice‘. Lol!
  • Awards: Awarded for sleeping for 73 (figures matter!) hours continuously, smoking ten boxes in a day, and watching an entire season of Friends in two days, oh no, write 37 hours and 21 minutes. Figures, my friend, figures.

Enough dudes. Just one page is allowed. Best Wishes!

Cheers!

7 responses to “The Art of Making Résumé

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