So, the big day is here. Yea, this time it is in South Africa, but am all the more excited. I don’t go to the ground to watch the match anyway even in India. Now, at least we get to savour the South African beauty (no puns intended).
Here is a sneak preview of things to expect this summer in the biggest cricketing extravaganza version 2.0.
1. Sri Ram Sene is already mourning the loss of a golden opportunity with IPL shifted out. Maybe, they will come up with something innovative and stop women from watching matches even on TV. That is so against our culture. Did Seeta ever watch a cricket match? Radha never rooted for Mathura Milkers nor Draupadi supported the Hastinapur Royals. The ideological recession is hurting us more than the economic downturn.
2. Expect some healthy rivalry between Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta. Who will hug more players, whose better half will be seen bringing cold-drinks for the madame more number of times, and who will give the dumbest quote after losing a match. Imagine Shilpa Shetty saying, “Pehle Rajasthan Royals hamesha jeetti thi…ab ek bhi match nahi….(sobbing) I don’t want to be remembered as a “team-breaker”.
3. Oh, how can I forget the politicians. It doesn’t get better than the combo of elections and IPL.
Varun Gandhi (after Harbhajan slaps someone again): Jo haath humare player par uthenge, hum woh haath kaat denge.
Sanjay Dutt(after Kolkata Knight Riders lose again): Is team ka owner ek Muslim hai, isliye umpires hamesha cheating karke ise hara dete hain.
Mulayam Singh: Yeh saala English commentary band kar deni chahiye. Kuchh samajh hi nahi aata.
Mayawati: Hyderabad Deccan Chargers ka naam badalkar B.R.Ambedkar Dalit Swabhimaan Rakshak rakhna chahiye.
Laloo Prasad Yadav (after Dravid scores 10 runs off 30 balls): Agar hum team ka maalik hote, toh is sasura Dravid par road-roller chala dete. Hat budbuck.
P.Chidambaram(after Sreesanth throws a shoe at Harbhajan): I understand that Justice has been delayed. I forgive him.
Barak Obama (after Bangalore Royal Challengers finally win one match): If they can, WE ALSO CAN.
L.K.Advani (after MSD’s team beats Punjab): MSD knows that Yuvraj is a weak captain. He asks Preity Zinta about every decision he takes.
Manmohan Singh (after Dravid is forced to play aggressively and gets out): Main itni kamzor “wall” nahi, jo kabhi bhi toot jaaye.
Raj Thakre: Mumbai Indians me hum bhaiyya logo ko nahi khelne denge.
Sanjay Dutt(after Punjab loses and Preity Zinta is fuming with rage): I’ll give her a hug and a kiss. But she has to promise she will change her name to Preity Wadia after marriage.
Ram Vilas Paswan: Hum agar satta me aaye toh kamzor teams ko 20 ki jagah 25 overs milenge. Aur Bangalore Royal Challengers ke saare decision ICC ya BCCI ke rules ke according nahi, Bangalore Personal Cricket Law Board ke hisaab se honge.
Sharad Pawar: I am also thinking about buying some stake in a team. Just waiting to see who makes the maximum profit.
Ofcourse, there are a thousand more quotes….saving them from future posts….
4. The match duration has now been extended by fifteen minutes with two seven and a half minutes breaks after ten overs of each innings. Expect some grand fireworks there. Maybe, taking a cue from Akshay Kumar, Delhi Daredevils’ players will get their trousers unbuttoned by some fan. But they wear pyajamas, so you know what unbuttoning would mean.
5. Another benefit of the venue being shifted, now Mr Vijay Mallya can go watch the matches with all the girls he want. He can also shoot the new calendar there. Don’t know much about the laws there but guess that SRK can smoke more freely. And hopefully, there will be no black-out in the ground this time around. Just praying that the same holds true at home as well.
More than a century ago, a young Indian called MohanDas KaramChand Gandhi started his world-changing journey from the Portean land, let’s see what SA does with IPL which already has changed the way cricket is played in modern times.
P.S. Having written the first point, I suddenly see the motivation behind John Buchanan’s multiple captain theory. After every ten overs, a break and a new captain.
The XKCD link was pointed by Smit. (I was forced to write this)