Its nearly 4 am and I can’t get sleep. So, maybe I’ll just speak out what has been choking me since last night.
Remember the last post, Roop made me change some lines where I had written I don’t know how to express. I may like to call myself a story-teller but that is nothing more than pretentious self-indulgence.I really don’t know how to say things.
Most people who know me will vouch for the fact that I love to talk and spend long hours talking, be it on phone or of late on Gtalk. And it was in the virtual world that I became friends with an extremely cheerful and vivacious girl, our friendship being totally platonic. Nearly all girls I know fall in that category, but what differentiated her was that she had brains as well coupled with an awesome sense of humor. And the most wonderful amazing philosophies/ideas about life. Even though our friendship was more or less restricted to the virtual domain (except sms and an occasional phone chat), the nice time we had together is pretty much real. We often chatted late into the night and I never found myself short on things to talk about. Anytime I felt low/sad, be it due to any reason, academics,love life, family, whatever; all I did was talk to her and she always helped to bring some order to my meddled self. She never failed to revive my spirits. And I may not have ever said this to her, but she remains one of my most cherished friends.
She suffered an unimaginable personal loss last month. She didn’t tell me directly but no replies from her side to my messages gave me an idea that something was wrong. I picked up the phone to call her several times but couldn’t muster the courage somehow. I eventually got to know what was wrong and spent a day literally crying but again I couldn’t get myself to call her. I just didn’t know….what to say…how to say…. Life moves on, I got busy with it but something someone said, something someone did always reminded of her, how I had failed her in her moment of crisis, how I stranded her when she needed me the most, she who always helped me when I was even one bit down. I caught her online last night for the first time since then. Again, I had so many things to say…but couldn’t….And she still understands me, still wished me luck for my exams with a smiley while all I could say to her was “I don’t know what to say”.
I couldn’t sleep well last night. Then, I again got busy with exams. But again, I have that strange tugging feeling, I know the loss she has suffered cannot be compensated for….but, if only I could have been with her, if only I knew how to say things, how to express………………