Note: Non-IITians or attachees wud not understand even a single word. So better waste ur time somewhere else.
Ladies and Gentleman (u have not bathed for the past 4 days, u have a tent erected in ur pants everytime u see a gal and u call urself a GENTLEman…phew!!!!). Being a true Gandhian , I don’t believe in fighting(everyone claims to be a gandhian ever since they hav seen WATER, otherwise I am a diehard CS fan) and as such I never wanted to contest this election (but since I m not getting elected unanimously, I hav to). It is common knowledge that I have made extra-ordinary contribution to the hostel during my two years stay here. To be cliche`, I have dedicated my “tann(body), mann(soul) and dhan(money)” in the service of the hostel (tann- when I was made to run naked in the corridors during ragging period, masturbated in my hostel room and vomited all day long after drinking BHAANG on Holi; mann- when I felt that I was contributing to the hostel’s cultural upliftment watching movies and **** in my room; but my soul was always there with those working hard to win some crap events; and dhan when I bought all those pizzas for you last night and Rs. 100 for which my bills 4were never cleared; I hope to cover those costs, once I m elected) . I am not someone who would make false promises* saying I would do this or that, I believe in doing exactly what I say. (So I promise all of you that I would do nothing for you. And take my word for it, after the end of the year, u wud be surprised to see that indeed that’s the case). Personally I don’t know what exactly my duties as a #$%^&* secy wud be, but watever they are I m sure I and only I have the desired qualities (if there are any) to dispense them. (A large applause by the audience. clapping…….). Thank You very much (thanks only to those who clapped; and those who didn’t please keep in mind that the entire proceedings are being recorded so that those who didn’t clap, after I win the election, wud be meted out special treatment, thrown in the *-WING where they would themselves learn clapping trying to get rid of the mosquitoes). Also I wud like to tell u all that I hav already got all the M.Tech (Maddu saale) votes with me, so it is better that u vote 4 me. I promise to share 10% of my total earnings at the end of the year with those who openly come out in my favour. And as for the Warden sir, I hav promised him another 10% share so he wud see to it that the counting is rigged. Finally thank you all for coming here.( I know u all were forced to come here and do dummy clapping by ur alliances). This is all I had to say. (I don’t think u r interested in my opponent’s speech any longer, nor does he look interested in giving one, so why not go for a drink!!!!)
*Attached underneath is a list of (false) promises that I considered to make b4 coming here but as other candidates had already used them, I dropped the idea. Still for the sake of completeness, here they are………
1. I am planning to construct a pipeline between SB and ND. As ND never gets water while SB always has (main khud hugga maarne SB jaata hoon).
2. Ragging is a big problem during the fresher period. I have devised a method which is PARETO effecient, I mean in which everyone gains. Seniors wud hav to pay an Entertainment tax of Rs.100 per fresher they ragged. Those in 4th year who still want to rag (ppl like kothari) will be given old age benefits and only hav to pay Rs. 80 per head. The freshers wud get 50 rupees for being ragged. The remaining money wud be invested in other development projects like setting of an only-porn hub.
3. Many first-yearites have complained of nightmares. As such ppl like KA*** and *.******* wud be forced to wear a veil in corridors.
4. As we all know, we failed to lift a single trophy this year. But finally managed to stand first in the highest Mess bill category. It would be my earnest endeavor to continue the tradition in the coming year.
5. Last year we were promised that an online list of the books present in the library would be made. Carrying forth the tradition set by the LIB SECY in 1991, I also promise the same. Also, I promise to open library following pattern rather than haphazardly as it is done now. The pattern is going to be that library wud open every lunar eclipse.
6. With regards TV tuners, yaar we hav such a resourceful ODC, why the fuck do u need a TV Tuner. We wud be getting Rs. 10000 to install one, wudn’t it be wonderful if u also get Rs. 1000 out of it.