Shaadi.com
So, the final Major exam of my IIT life is over. And it was much more fun than any other exam I have written in the last five years. Perhaps cuz I didn’t give a damn about how much I would score today. Anyway, we were supposed to write one limerick (five line witty poem with the rhyming scheme ‘aabba’) on any one of the five given topics. I started writing and got such a kick out of it that I ended up writing over 15 lines and completely screwed the other two questions.
Bored at home, I logged onto Shaadi.com
To find a man who will fly me to Rome
There was a forty year old divorcee and a 25 something fatty
A balding young man, whose family was all catty
Looking at them, I think am better alone at home.
Oh God only knows why I logged onto Shaadi.com
Where all my dreams evaporated like bubbles of foam
Black like charcoal, looking for a fair bride
Robert Mugabe, imagining Aishwarya by his side
I think I will rather commit suicide in my dome
At long length, I did find my perfect mate
So, I invited him for a casual date
He looked rich and handsome, going by his profile
Smartly dressed up, holding a latest mobile.
But alas! in my anxiety I got a little late.
—–(added after coming back)—–
I finally found him sitting by the lake
Just to realize that the e-profile was all a fake
He had the smile of a crocodile, and teeth of a dragon
And when he spoke, he sounded like a rail wagon
I think I will rather marry a snake (or drown myself in the lake).
The She Conundrum-IV
Men have all the flaws
Women just two
Everything they say
and everything they do!
So, you people remember the incident (The She Conundrum-II) where this girl called and intoxicated me with her sweet offer to slap me (“itne chaante padenge“). It has been nearly nine months now…..and guess what, she called again this morning!!!
9:30 am
She: Hello, kahan par hai?
Me(feeling sleepy after an early morning lecture): Main abhi col……(suddenly realizing this is not Mohua calling to ask whether I am at home or in college…..) Hello??
She: Rubal, jaldi bol na….kahan par hai?
Me (realizing by now that this must be the same girl….I am pretty quick): Aap kaun bol rahe hain?
She: Pragati. Rubal, bata na, kahan hai…
Me: Pragati, yeh Rubal ka number nahi hai.
She: Rubal ka number nahi hai??????? Kya mazaak hai?
Me: Mazaak nahi hai. This is Ashish here. Main aapko uska number message kar deta hoon. Theek hai?
She: Ok, Thanks!
Girls!!! As for now, I have saved her number (something which I should have done last time around itself ) so that next time she calls, it is easier for me to message her Rubal’s number.
P.S.
I messaged her the number but she called back after some ten minutes and said she didn’t get the message though I had got the delivery report five minutes ago. Guess she just can’t get enuf of me. I didn’t know my voice was so seductive. Lol! So, I gave her the number on phone itself….and she made me say every digit atleast thrice.
Copyrights:
1. The starting four lines are from some poem we discussed in the lecture this morning. I don’t remember the poet’s name.
2. I have changed the girl’s name….
Earlier in this series: The She Conundrum
Novel Piece Price
The Nobel Peace Prize Committee, in choosing Barak Obama as the winner of the prestigious (not any more?) prize, did a great service to mankind. It gave us something to flood twitter, facebook and our blogs with (I feel the committee should get the prize itself next year for this humanitarian initiative). Here is a list of some equally deserving people…
1. Mayawati: Now, elephants are not exactly doves but you can’t deny that the ‘aspiration’ is there. The aspiration to become the Prime Minister of India one day. And while the nations (Obama’s US included) are still negotiating treaties to tackle climate change, she has already taken a step forward for the cause by constructing all those parks. Then, ofcourse she motivated the peace between RJD and SP in national elections, made sure that KanshiRam passed away peacefully, and it’s only because of her efforts that Uttar Pradesh’s law and order is in pieces, oh I mean peace! Definitely, such an embodiment of peace and sisterhood (Behenji Zindabad) deserves a Nobel!
2. Sachin Tendulkar: This is actually a lift-off from a friend’s Gtalk message but who cares. So, Obama won cuz he gave hope to millions of people around the world, YES WE CAN. But then the little master has been giving hope to billions of Indians for the last two decades. Australia 320/6(50 overs)…India 78/3(20). Sachin still out there….YES WE CAN! And unlike Obama, we actually did win.
3. K. Santhanam: For claiming that Pokharan tests were unsuccessful. There can’t be a better way of reducing nuclear armaments overnight and instilling confidence in your neighbours… Are you listening Mr. Obama?
4. My 10 days old nephew Shashank: You must be thinking that I have gone nuts and am indulging in nepotism. But first hear me through. Now while Shashank’s delivery was as painless as possible, my cousin sister had to undergo a lot of pain when she conceived his elder brother, Siddharth. Sid is eight years old now and is really a pain in the ass,quarreling with everyone(Also, he has so many hair on his body, he looks all ‘bushy’). On the other hand, Shashu is a very cute child (a little dark in complexion though) and knows when to cry and when not. As for being peace-loving, let me share a small incident with you. Shashu was still in the hospital even three days after his birth due to some registration process (health care, these days!). The two kids on the neighbouring beds were involved in a bitter fight. Whenever one tried to sleep, the other would cry and when the second would try to sleep, the first would create a ruckus. So, you know what my little Shashu did…? He gave his milk bottle to both of them and after that they both fell asleep.
5. Rakhi Sawant: Now, no list can be complete without her. Everytime I hear her voice on some reality show and then switch off the TV, the kind of peace I feel is incomparable. Some cynics believe that because of her fights with Mika and her ex-boyfriend, she might not be ideal for the prize. But what the hell, Obama is still attacking Afghanistan….atleast my schweetie Rakhi first kissed them before fighting. Someone who has redefined the role of woman in the patriarchal Indian society, surely deserves the prize.
P.S. On a serious note, I would like to see Jack Dorsey awarded next year for starting Twitter which played such a crucial role in Iran elections. Technology for peace….an absolutely rare event!
The Elephant Kingdom
So, I have been making a lot of fuss about my Creative writing classes in the last few posts. CREATIVE WRITING…..sounds so sophisticated as if we were doing something very special and exceptional. Well, you decide for yourself.
We were given a small replica of an elephant in the minor exam and were supposed to describe it. I couldn’t find anything striking enough in my elephant except his raised trunk…..so, here it goes
Swinging his trunk
As if drunk
He walks down the road
Bearing a heavy load
He sees a banana tree
And starts on an eating spree
Only to be beaten by his ‘mahaout’
Whom he completely loathe
So, he raises his trunk in anger
Making the mahout fall down
And runs away from him
Causing rampage in the town
A young boy finds him
And pat him with love
Again he raises his trunk
But this time peacefully like a dove.
Lol.
Yeah, the ‘Lol’ formed a part of the answer. Lol.
Though it’s not a great ‘poem’ by any stretch of imagination, but given that I had just over four minutes, I guess I can be excused. Also realized how difficult it can be to write a nursery rhyme….Kudos Charlie(Two and a Half Men).
What d’ya think?
Remembering Gandhi…
Prerak: You know what, I almost miss India these days.
Swati: You gotta be kidding me.
Prerak: Come on, you gotta agree that the cultural diversity and ancient heritage makes India a great nation.
Swati: Did you read about thousands of women being whipped in Tamil Nadu to get rid of the evil spirits. Great, my ass! I am more than happy we left that country.
Prerak: Yeah, I know some things need to be changed but still dunno, I miss something here.
Swati: What is it, darling? Why are you thinking about all this today?
Prerak: Nothing. Aniket called last night. He was all excited about the Dussehra mela he went to along with his kids. Ravana, Kumbhakarana, Meghnaath…….Do you remember those larger than life effigies….
Swati:Hmm. And the deafening sound that followed. For a minute, I used to feel that I would definitely go deaf. Still, it used to be fun.
Prerak: Also, I miss the kheer that Ahmed’s mother always gave us on Eid. And such mouth-watering kebabs to go along with. She was one of the best cooks ever.
Swati: Yeah, you told me about her earlier too. But honey, don’t worry, we can order a kebab from KFC.
Prerak: Its not the same. And then, tomorrow is Gandhi Jayanti. Gandhi, Mahatama Gandhi….what a man, an inspiration to billions.
Swati (faking a British accent, something she does all the time when not at home): Gandi. You are missing Gandi Jayanti. Haha! Really, when did you turn all this patriotic?
Prerak: Fuck patriotism. Don’t you ever get it? Eid and Dussehra were on Monday. Gandhi Jayanti is on Friday. Think of it. Think of it.
Swati (suddenly overpowered by grief): Three extended weekends. Nahhhhhhhiiiiiii.
उतरन
“Amu, I’ll also go with you”
“But don’t you have to go to school?”
“They don’t teach us anything good these days”
It wasn’t the first time that this conversation was taking place between Amu and Pragya. Every year just before Diwali, Pragya would shun school and develop a strong inclination to go to work with her mother. Amu was a maid in a big haveli and had to bear thakurani’s wrath every day but Pragya was more than happy to assist her in minor chores or just wait sitting on the floor. During these ten-odd days, there was a hint of a sparkle in her eyes, a conspicuous flourish in her gait and an overall sweetness and sophistication in her manner, which was otherwise locked up in some cupboard for the rest of the year. Amu tried hard but could not understand the reason behind this change until that fateful afternoon.
Thakurani was going out to visit some of her relatives. She asked Amu to put the sweets in the car. Amu looked at Pragya and she responded with such alacrity that in her haste, she dropped one of the boxes. Thakurani yelled at the peak of her voice, “He bhagwan! ek kaam dhang se nahi hota in kaamchoro se…..”. But perhaps she was also soaked in the (adulterated) sweetness oozing out of the rasgullas rolling on the floor, as she added with a chuckle, “chalo koi nahi….yahan pocha maar dena…Waise bhi main us Seema ko teen dabbe nahi dena chahti thi”.
She left after that but tears had not stopped flowing down Pragya’s face. Amu tried to comfort her.”It’s ok. Ho jaata hai. Let’s clean up the mess now.” But she wouldn’t stop crying. “Kya hua, gudiya….thakurani ne toh gussa bhi nahi kiya….fir ro kyun rahi hai?”
Sobbing, she replied, “But……But……now…..she won’t give me any clothes on Diwali.”
The next day, she went back to school with dashed hopes and a sullen face.
P.S. The inspiration comes from this very touching song (Utaran, Colors, 10 pm)
नन्हे नन्हे से हाथों में गुडिया पुरानी
किस्मत अपनी तो जैसे कोई रूठी नानी
नन्हे नन्हे से हाथों में गुडिया पुरानी
किस्मत अपनी तो जैसे कोई रूठी नानी
किसी का जीवन सपना है
किसी का सपना है उतरन
किसी के उतरे सपनो से सजे किसी का बचपन
वो नहीं समझे अभी ….क्या होती है उतरन
वो नहीं समझे ……क्या होती उतरन
The Art of Making Résumé
Here are a few tips to help you ‘invent’ your resume……
- Have you ever wondered why résumé is also called a CV? Cuz that’s exactly what you’ve to do….CONTROL C+V. Copy and paste. Arrange five-ten old CVs from your seniors and display your meticulous ‘CV’ skills which you’ve honed over the last four years copying assignments. Just make sure that you don’t end up with both shy and extrovert in your personality traits. Well, even if you do, no worries! You can always say, “I have a multifaceted personality. I’m very flexible and can easily adapt to any situation.”
- A lot of my seniors have advised me to write nothing but the truth in the fields for hobbies and interests. But how can one write, ‘I love giving stupid facebook quizzes, playing teen patti on orkut, chatting long hours and watching porn.’? Big problem!! Here is the trick. Just garnish the facts a little. So, instead, you write,
Hobbies/Interests:I am an inquisitive soul (why else would I take quizzes like When will you die? Which love song are you? Enemy of the day etc. etc.) who enjoys adventurous and risky sports (Mafia Wars, AoE, CS), and I use my spare time to pick up new skills (Kamasutra postures).
- Position of Responsibility….Hmm…Thats a tough one! When you couldn’t even take the responsibility of cleaning your room, how can one expect you to…… Let me think! Umm….Ok. Give a positive spin to everything you’ve done. For example, it is highly probable that you spent hours standing in a queue (or buttering up your seniors) to arrange Rendezvous passes for some girl from your school (the ever hopeful IITians….Hats off!), only to see her walk off to RDX with her boyfriend (who suddenly appears out of thin air….these girls!). Don’t be disheartened. Put it as, ‘I was the Hospitality Co-ordinator for Rendezvous’. And oh you carried the props for English Play from the hostel to the seminar hall, well done Logistics Co-ordinator.
- Next come Acronyms. They make your CV look really fancy. So, try inserting some. Like in the field for weaknesses, one can say,“The three P’s (Pizza, Porn and Party)”. Ofcourse, you will tell the interviewer that the three P’s are Patience (people take undue advantage of your nature), Passion (sometimes you forget to sleep while working on a project (obviously you have no choice if you start on the last day, anyway)) and Pernicketiness (God lies in the minor details….so I have watched every porn over a dozen times).
- Strengths: Excellent Google skills, complete knowledge of Hollywood and multi-tasking (I can eat my food while watching an episode of Friends, chatting with my girlfriend on phone and finding out how many crushes I have on FB).
- Projects: Used my excellent communication skills (bakaiti) to convince my prof that I have actually done some work (good for consultancy companies…..selling non existent items), led my class into a mass bunk (leadership skills…they come in handy), wrote a program to hack IITD proxy (you are going to Google, my boy!), analysed the boy-girl ratio in IITD and its demoralizing consequences on the average CGPA (quant and Fin companies are gonna grab you like a hot cake).
- Figures. Now that’s really important. One should always put in some figures to substantiate his/her point. So, you can write in the field for scholastic achievements, ‘I am so interested in my studies that I have done several 7 courses several twice‘. Lol!
- Awards: Awarded for sleeping for 73 (figures matter!) hours continuously, smoking ten boxes in a day, and watching an entire season of Friends in two days, oh no, write 37 hours and 21 minutes. Figures, my friend, figures.
Enough dudes. Just one page is allowed. Best Wishes!
Cheers!
Of classes, myself and etc…
Finally after a month I decided to go for the Creative Writing lecture this morning. And phew! we had a surprise quiz today. Lucky Bastard.
After the quiz, we were asked to write 20 points defining ourselves, as part of some study a very beautiful (I am not being sarcastic here….) PhD at IITD is working on. Being at the end of a psychological analysis can be baffling sometimes….it reminds me of those days when we used to observe fungi under a microscope in school. Anyway, thats not the point. Here are a few of my responses…
Who am I?
1. I am a sleepy individual trying to fake attention in class.
2. JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL
3. I am an iceberg waiting for the Titanic to hit me, so that I get my two minutes of fame.
4. I am a satellite revolving around my girlfriend. 
5. I am a rising star, afraid that I might be too far away to give any light in this lifetime.
6. Nerd, trying to pass off as witty.
7. An individual torn apart by the dilemmas of Dil Dosti etc.
I don’t remember the rest of the list. But it was fun compiling it. Though she gave us a choice not to mention our names, but me being ME, I did. Lol!
Oh, and then I attended the next lecture (for the third time this semester) and the prof while taking attendance said, “arre aaj tum bhi aa gaye…..toh matlab sab aa gaye….attendance ki zaroorat nahi…”
Asymmetric Life…
It has been raining incessantly for the past two days. Not that I am complaining. I simply love rains but this weather also brings out the philosopher in me. While the first drops of the heavenly nectar splashing across the roof-top in a rhythmic ‘tip-tip’ fashion never fail to bring a wide grin on my face (and make me crave for hot pakodas and tea), somewhere they also leave me sad/depressed. Okay, tell me how often does it happen to you that you are very happy, extremely pleased with the way things are turning out and suddenly in that moment of success, you think about some sad happening in the past and instantly feel a little void/hollowness in your laugh, no longer happy about your current exploits but pondering ruefully over the forlorn past. On the contrary, Patronus Charm remains one of the most difficult spells in the wizarding world as well as among the descendants of Adam. How difficult it is to think of a happy moment when you are depressed or under stress? I feel gloomy in this wonderful rainy weather but did I ever feel happy in the torturous May? So, is there a basic asymmetry in life….do we have an underlying propensity to be sad/pessimistic……are we closer to the (proposed) Satan in this regard as compared to the (proposed) almighty?
See, rather than enjoying the cool breeze and the rains, I am writing this stupid piece at 3 am. I am not sad or anything but कभी कभी यूँ ही मेरे दिल में ख्याल आता है……
बादल बरस के बिखर गए
पर मेरी आँखों में मेघ अभी भी छाये हैं
खुश है दिल बहुत मगर
क्यूँ इस ख़ुशी में दुखों के साए हैं.
P.S. Oh, its 9/11 today. Let there be peace. Amen!
The Ticket
They broke up last night. She found his air-ticket in the drawer and knew in an instant that it was over. None of them said anything. There was no need for words anymore. But the look in her eyes expressed more than a thousand words could possibly have.
He saw her again at the airport in the morning. To hide his guilt, he went on the offensive.
“Why have you came here? I told you not to. Nothing you say is going to change my decision. You need a reason. Well, I’ll give you one. I think you are the most selfish girl I have ever met. These last six months, I almost felt as if you were using me. Today seems like freedom to me. Now, don’t create a scene here. Go away”
Embarrassed, she looked sideways, then sheepishly took out the ticket from her bag…..
“You forgot your ticket to freedom at home”.
